Dear Colby,

Did you ever feel so sad that it felt like your heart was going to rip out of your chest? I hope you didn't because it sucks. Actually, I've been thinking a lot lately how in a strange way, you are lucky. I mean you are definitely lucky if heaven is real, but if not, you're just lucky that you don't have to go through the sadness and pain that is real life. Whether it's marriage crap, or the heartbreaking mom stuff or just seeing the pain that other people are having to go through every day, I'm so tired of it.

I dreamed about you last night. We were at Mimi's house and someone was breaking in. It was a terrible dream, nightmare really, but we were able to get out ok as far as I remember. It's been awhile since I last saw you in a dream, and it was nice to see you, even if it was actually a nightmare.

I still think about the money that Nikki raised and how we need to do something with it pronto, but I don't know what to do. Can you help me? Send me a sign or an idea or something. I just want to do something that will make a difference and honor you the way you deserve. Plus, there are so many worthwhile options out there, how do we choose what's the most important? Help me!

Ok, well I don't really have too much to say other than we miss you. I miss you. Every day. And I need to talk to you every day. And my kids need you because they are growing like weeds and you would absolutely love playing with them. I envision them crawling all over you like a jungle gym. Ha ok enough with the rambling and enough with the tears…for tonight at least.

I love you!

Dear Muscles,

I didn't sleep very well last night, and when I tried to roll out of bed this morning it wasn't hard to figure out why. You are angry! I get it. I haven't treated you all that well over the last few months, years maybe. I've underutilized some of you while over utilizing others, but we had fun together on Saturday, didn't we? Yes, I know that I am 35, and an under-trained 15.5 mile trail run was probably not my best idea ever, but it was hella fun!

I certainly didn't win, although I'm pretty sure I didn't come in last. But here is the way it went down…

The race was held at Lake Mcmurtry in Stillwater, and the options included a 12k, 25k and 50k. There's not a chance in hell I would do the 50k, and I felt that the 12k wasn't enough of a challenge since I have been running half-marathons consistently for the past 6 months or so. So, I signed up for the 25k knowing I could finish, but it probably wouldn't be pretty. Here's the deal though…trail running is fun. Because you have to focus on every single step you take in order to avoid the roots, rocks, holes, snakes, etc that may be on the course, it's not quite as boring as road running. However, you seem to use many more muscles/ different muscles than when you are consistently running on a flat(ter) surface.

So, the night before the race, I was nervous, especially when my friend, Lisa (who talked me into it) told me we were "running on the surface of the sun." Great. We met at a downtown coffee shop so I could hop in with her for the hour drive to the lake, and lucky me, I had an upset stomach the whole there and had to make multiple bathroom trips before the race started.

The first few miles went great. Some people down-played the leap o' doom, and some people played it up, so I wasn't' really sure what to expect. Well, I'd say they down-played it, and although I didn't almost fall into the crevice, I did almost fall as soon as I landed on the other side. And we had to do that twice. Nothing was too exciting throughout the course thoguh- I missed the talk of the copperhead snake, and it's a good thing because I would have freaked out.

                                                                                               (source)
The miles passed sssllloooowwwwlllyyy and I really looked forward to every aid station. The crew that puts on these trail races (TATUR) has the best aid stations hands down. Each was stocked with every kind of snack, sweet and salty, you could imagine, plus water, gatorade, ginger ale, coke and I think I saw beer. The only problem was that because it was so hot, I was so thirsty (not a good sign), and I wanted to stay and chug drink after drink.

By mile 11, I was pretty much done. My muscles were already sore and I had some pain in my ankles. I was hot and grumpy and seriously thinking about laying down and taking a nap on the trail. Plus, I thought I might be lost when I didn't see anyone for a very long time. I just decided that as long as I could keep walking and jogging some, I would get there eventually.

And I did. All I can say is that I earned every single ounce of that medal!

Dear Friday,

Today was a fabulous day, and I would say that I made you my bitch except that I didn't. The kids needed naps, and that put a big dent in my would-have-been amazing day. So, I guess they made you their bitch. Or me…not sure.

But today was still awesome for these reasons…

1) I got to do a little shopping with my mom. And yes, even though it was at the Dollar Tree, it was still fun. I told her that she's the only person to ever spend over $65 at that store.

2) We passed an eyelash salon and decided we should go in and ask to have our eyelashes washed and dried.

3) I signed up for this race. I'm scared to death because I haven't done more than 10 miles since my last 1/2 marathon five weeks ago, but somehow, I know I can pull off 15.5ish miles tomorrow.

4) I went for a walk in our 'hood with my favorite little guy. We walked over to see the dead snake, down to the playground, up to the pond to look for turtles and finally back home again. We collected treasures along the way and came home with pebbles, acorns, two tiny rubber balls, the knob piece to an old water faucet and a long stick.


5) Papa Murphy's pineapple pizza followed by cookies straight from the oven.

And now I'm tired and I want to go to bed to prepare for my 5:30 wake up call to get my booty kicked on the trails. But I can't because the dog peed on Josh's side of the bed and now everything's in the washer.

Night! Night!

Dear Garren,

And just like that, you're two.

Ok, well maybe it wasn't just like that, but where has the time gone?


Sweet boy, you have already grown into such a fun, little dude, and I have truly enjoyed watching your personality emerge. Right now, you love trains and will play with them for hours on end. When you are finished, you will ask to watch trains on tv.

You also seem to have inherited your father's love of bicycles, and you love to ride your strider around the house. You are so good on it- you will ride it for awhile and then pick it up and carry it around, like you have seen your dad do in his cyclocross races. You tell me to clap and cheer for you and you will keep going as long as I am cheering you on.

You have such a great vocabulary, and it amazes me everyday how easily you pick up new words. I remember that before the holidays this year (before your birthday), someone said to me in disbelief "he knows snowman and pinecone." Yeah, well you also know derailed, conducter, caboose, spicy (and use them all appropriately) and many, many other words. So, when the doctor asked me at your 2-year-old check up if you are able to put together two words at a time, I almost laughed. You are capable of much more, and I am so proud and thankful.

You have a peculiar way of saying some words. For instance, conductor = condada, Lali = yaya, fruit snacks = fruit nack, shower = shou shou, sissy = sitsie. Thank you= fain fain. Oh, and your dad is often called "Josh." He doesn't particularly like it, but I have convinced him that it's karma for calling your Mimi by her first name for so long. Lali bought you a stuffed shark at the aquarium this weekend and you even named it "Josh"!

You love your sister, and you can't wait to see her every morning when you wake up. You have so much patience with her and even let her crawl all over you. I've never seen you get frustrated by that; instead, you usually just laugh at her. She loves you too, and she gets the biggest grin on her face any time you walk into the room.

You have the best imagination too. You will stand at the bottom of the stairs and yell "all aboard. it's time to go" over and over again. I asked you what you were doing and simultaneously placed my hand on top of the banister. You told me not to push down on the whistle. So, I moved my hand down a little and you told me that I was smashing Thomas' face. You also showed me where all the passengers sit and said that the train is headed to town to see Santa.

Gosh kid, you're soooo much fun and I would give anything to freeze time.

I love you so much!

Dear Colby,

It's been awhile since I've written to you.
Doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you or missing you like crazy though.
Especially with this wedding coming up. Its just not the same without you here.
And we go to these showers and events and it's like people don't know what to say to me.
I know that some people avoid me. They really avoid mom, and it's not that they're trying to be rude. People just really don't know what to say.
Oh and J.P. accidentally called Matt "Colby" the other day, and she got really embarrassed and apologized. Then she looked at mom and me like we were going to start crying. It's not like that.
But I need to call you all the time because there are things I need to tell you that only you would understand. Only you would think they're funny.

And Colby, you should see the kids. They're getting so big. And Garren talks all.the.time! And Liddie is walking. Oh and Garren talks about you and he wants to go visit you. I tell him you're in Heaven, but he doesn't get it. Hell, I really don't either.


But I know that J.S. is really missing you because they have Little A with them now, and he thinks that you would have been an amazing "uncle" for that kid. You would.

Ok, so here's what's going on around here right now…
-The wedding is in one month. I'm excited for Matt, but not excited about having to write a toast. WTF do I say? If you were here, you could help me with it. You gave an awesome toast to me. I remember.
-I'm working on our taxes right now. I think we might get a nice refund, which will be awesome. We need to make some home repairs and put some money in the kids' college funds. Most importantly though, I think we need a really nice vacation. Europe maybe?
-We went to Sesame Street Live tonight. I still can't believe I convinced Josh to go. And I can't believe that Garren sat still as long as he did.
-There may be a number 3 baby one of these days. I'm just having trouble deciding if I should put life on hold now or have kids more spread out. Closer is probably better, dontcha think???
-I need money.
-I think I'm going to run a 25k this weekend. It will be my longest distance besides that nightmare of a marathon that I made you do with me. It will also be on trails. It will probably suck, but I will be glad I did it. Maybe I should reward myself with something for doing it.
-Dad's been sick for awhile. I'm worried about him and I know mom is too, but he went to the Dr. and had labs and they showed nothing but chronic bronchitis. He also told me the other day that he doesn't think he will live too much longer. Super depressing. This family can't handle something like that right now.
-oh and it's National Sibling Day today. I didn't know that it existed but people have been posting pics of themselves with their siblings all over Facebook. I'm too lazy to look for one. It's not that I don't want to do it, but for what? To remind myself? Remind everyone else? Nah.

Dude, I miss you. Happy sibling day, little brother!
Love, T-Pot

Dear Colby,

I'm reading the most incredible book right now. It's called Jantsen's Gift, and it's the true story of how a woman survives the loss of her son by helping far less fortunate children in other countries. Even though I had no idea about the conditions these children live in in Vietnam, Cambodia, several countries in Africa and many, many other places around the world, I almost feel as if I know this woman and could/would trade places with her.

Colby, the stories she told about losing her son have been gut-wrenching for me to read. I can relate to every single thought and emotion she experienced following his death. But the hope that she is giving me is unreal. It's almost like I should write her a letter to thank her for finally giving me hope. I feel like maybe there is a light, that there is more to life.

And here's the other thing… Nikki still has that money that people donated to your memorial fund, and she said she will sign it over to me whenever I'm ready. But, I'm just not ready because I haven't a clue what to do with it. I've wanted so badly to do something incredible with it- something you would be proud of. But tonight, actually just now, I realized that if you were here, you would trust me with the money. You would know that I wouldn't do anything with it without having the best intentions at heart, and you would go along with whatever decision I made. All this is to say, that although I still don't have a clue what to do with it, one of these days I will figure it out. And no matter what decision I make, I know you would have been proud. I miss you so much every single day. I love you.

Dear Colby

I've been thinking about you a lot this week. Heck, when am I not thinking about you? I miss you. I have been so mad at Josh lately, like last night when he came home a little early so that he could do something before I had to leave at 5:30. He came home so he could unload HIS groceries for HIS little bicycle-riding party this weekend.

Hear that? I call it bicycle riding when I'm angry; it's cycling when all is right with the world.

Anyway, he acted like he was doing me some favor. My blood was boiling by the time I backed out of the driveway, and I knew that if I could, I would call you.

You wouldn't say anything. You wouldn't side with him or with me or try to give me advice in any way. You would just listen patiently until I was finished ranting and then politely change the subject.

Oh and tonight, I need to call you again. He threw away the stuff-and-clutter. And, I know I don't need to explain that any further. Just that in the almost 8 years that he's known me... well he must not know me at all.

I promise I'm not this depressing all the time. You, of all people, certainly wouldn't want that. But since I can't call...