Dear Colby

I've been thinking about you a lot this week. Heck, when am I not thinking about you? I miss you. I have been so mad at Josh lately, like last night when he came home a little early so that he could do something before I had to leave at 5:30. He came home so he could unload HIS groceries for HIS little bicycle-riding party this weekend.

Hear that? I call it bicycle riding when I'm angry; it's cycling when all is right with the world.

Anyway, he acted like he was doing me some favor. My blood was boiling by the time I backed out of the driveway, and I knew that if I could, I would call you.

You wouldn't say anything. You wouldn't side with him or with me or try to give me advice in any way. You would just listen patiently until I was finished ranting and then politely change the subject.

Oh and tonight, I need to call you again. He threw away the stuff-and-clutter. And, I know I don't need to explain that any further. Just that in the almost 8 years that he's known me... well he must not know me at all.

I promise I'm not this depressing all the time. You, of all people, certainly wouldn't want that. But since I can't call...

Dear Cell Phone,

I wanted to set measurable goals for the year, so I purposely left one off the list. Had it been on there, it would have read something like... "spend (much) less time attached to you, and more specifically, spend less time on Facebook." But really, shouldn't that go without saying?

I have an almost-two-year-old who provides constant entertainment with his ever-expanding vocabulary and developing dance skills. And I have a seven-month-old who needs me. She really, really needs me and wants me to look at her. She wants me to play with her. She wants me to carry her with me no matter what I am doing. So, tell me again why I would miss a second of any of that to read about other peoples' lives, most of whom I wouldn't even pick you up to call? Beats the hell out of me.

But I can say that this year I am going to be present- not just near my kids, but really in the moment. I know that time passes way too quickly and I will never have these moments again, so I don't want to miss a single one. And it all starts by just laying you down. Thankfully today I did just that. And I got to snuggle with G in his new tent. And I got to laugh with him as he tried really hard to take yet another pee in the shower. He's a little boy, what can I say? And I caught his "boomer sooner" and "go OU" cheers on video. I didn't even know he knew those words. And I got to witness these two loving each other, and that's the best thing I saw all day- much better than anything I saw on Facebook. So tomorrow I vow to again put you down, be present and enjoy every moment of their young lives. There's no doubt that it will be worth it.

I'll just keep you close enough to document some of my favorite parts.

Dear 2014,

I feel such a sense of pressure to say the right thing for the first post on this blog, but I'm not going to dwell on that. I think I'll just lay it all out there.

Why am I blogging again after years away? The answer is two-fold. Well, three maybe. My kids are growing so quickly and I want to be able to document the day-to-day FOR MYSELF (and them if they're interested). Yes, of course it would be nice to have some readers, but that's just a bonus. But more importantly, I need a place where I can bitch, gripe and moan because LIFE ISN'T FAIR! Sometimes it's beautiful and wonderful and perfect, but other times, it just plain sucks. And 2013 was one of those times. And I can say that because even though my beautiful and wonderful and perfect baby girl came into this world, my beautiful and wonderful and perfect brother (and best friend) left this world. So, I'd like to say to the most awful year of my life, "later, bitch!"

And I can almost guarantee that 2014 will be better. Much, much better.

So here are a few things (I would prefer to call them something other than resolutions) that I think will make 2014 a happier, healthier one for my family and me:

- I lost over 30 lbs. over the last 5 months through the help of Weight Watchers and exercise. I want to maintain my current weight (under 140).
- Blog at least once per week.
- Exercise at least 3 times per week, even if it's just a 30 minute walk in my neighborhood.
- Run at least 5 half marathons.
- Practice patience with my family (and dogs) daily.
- Check in at weight watchers at least 2 times per month and maintain lifetime status.
- Read at least one book per month.
- Finish a sub-30 minute 5k that benefits an organization I believe in.
- Proudly wear my St. Jude heroes singlet for the RnR New Orleans 1/2 marathon.
- Practice not raising my voice toward my husband ESPECIALLY in front of the kids.
- Continue working on my current project in my brother's memory/honor. More on that later.
- Be a better mom to all of my kiddos, even my furry ones.
- Go on a date with my husband at least once a month, and not to some sort of social obligation either...a real date, where we can look at each other and talk to each other and hopefully remember why we started dating in the first place.
- And this one might be a stretch, but maybe we can somehow make it work...take a vacation!!! Oh how I would love a vacation- one that doesn't involve the stress of screaming kids in a hotel room, a boring road trip to some town within driving distance just because it's significantly cheaper, or a race- running or cycling.

So there it is- my 14 step plan to make 2014 my year. Wish me luck!

Dear Anyone Interested in "Juicing,"

I mentioned before that one of my New Years goals was maintaining my weight and my Weight Watcher's "Lifetime" status. Well, here's the deal. My weight fluctuates, a lot, and obviously having babies has something to do with that. I love my children, but I hated being pregnant, with a capital H-A-T-E. I was sick and tired and miserable, and I tricked myself into thinking that in order to grow a human while feeling less than human myself, I needed to eat everything thing in sight. Banana splits- yum! An entire box of girl scout cookies- awesome! Potato chips covered in nutella- why not? Soooo, guess who gained 60 lbs??? And I couldn't wait to get it off and planned on starting weight watchers and running as soon as I got clearance from my doctor.

I started Weight Watchers on July 15th and by December 9th, I had lost all of the weight gained during pregnancy PLUS 12 lbs! And now that I'm at a weight that I feel comfortable in, I want to keep it that way.

But here's the other deal. My husband is not comfortable in his body. He says that he tries everything and can't lose any weight, but I know for a fact that he has not tried the "Don't drink any dark, heavy beer for awhile" diet. Really, he doesn't have any weight to lose, but he's a competitive cyclist and thinks that to perform his best, he needs to look like a 12-year-old. Ugh.

So, the other night, I came downstairs to find him watching a documentary on juicing. I didn't see it, but apparently it was so fabulous it made him think that he should only drink juice for every meal for the rest of his life. He even sent me to the mall and told me to buy a $330 juicer. I didn't. I bought the cheap one. But groceries for this kind of project are so expensive! So, the husband is now juicing (in the good-for-you, legal way), and being the awesome, supportive wife that I am, I said I would do it with him. So, we made enough juices for 2 days for both of us ($40 worth of fruits and veggies), and stuck them in the fridge to drink today and tomorrow.

And....this stuff is just plain wrong. First off, we didn't use recipes, and I'm here to tell you that lemon and celery and apples and kale don't taste that great together. But, I vowed to give it a few days, and since I'm a woman of my word, I'm going to do it. I'll let you know how it goes!

UPDATE...a week and a half in, he's still drinking two juices per day followed by a "decent" dinner. I, on the other hand, gave up after three meals of juice alone. just.plain.miserable!

Dear Colby,

I can't believe it's been six months today since you were taken away from us and replaced with the most unimaginable sadness and grief. You were gone so quickly; I didn't even get to say goodbye. But even if I had the opportunity, how could I?

I'm so thankful that I didn't have to watch you suffer in any way. I'm so thankful that I don't have to watch any children suffer and grow up without their dad. There was a time, however, when I (very selfishly) hoped that Aubra would turn up pregnant. She didn't. I guess I was just hoping for something of yours that I could hold onto- your legacy.

But, your legacy lives on in a million different ways. You taught us all so much about what it truly means to be a kind and gentle soul. Trust me, I'm not the only one who has grown from my loss. Sounds weird, doesn't it? To grow? I would think it would be the other way around. But in these six months, I have learned what it was that made you, you, and that has made me a better person.

I was so excited to see your foster care journey begin. I knew it would be hard for you guys, and I was a little scared that it would be hard for all of us as well. Selfish again, I know. But, one thing that I knew for sure was that those children would be better for knowing you and having you as a "father" even if only for a little while. This is another reason that your legacy will live on...I will make sure that because of you, these children will know that someone cared for them. I will call it Colby's Kids, because it wouldn't be more than an idea without you.

Man, I miss you so much! Every single day, there are so many times that I think "I need to call him and tell him this story" or "I need to ask Colby about that." And I can't. And it's a really shitty reality check to have to endure all.the.time. But it doesn't change the fact that you were the best brother imaginable. You truly were a best friend. And I wouldn't trade the 33 years I got with you for anything.

Thank you for being you.
And for making me a better me.

I love you!