Dear Colby,

Did you ever feel so sad that it felt like your heart was going to rip out of your chest? I hope you didn't because it sucks. Actually, I've been thinking a lot lately how in a strange way, you are lucky. I mean you are definitely lucky if heaven is real, but if not, you're just lucky that you don't have to go through the sadness and pain that is real life. Whether it's marriage crap, or the heartbreaking mom stuff or just seeing the pain that other people are having to go through every day, I'm so tired of it.

I dreamed about you last night. We were at Mimi's house and someone was breaking in. It was a terrible dream, nightmare really, but we were able to get out ok as far as I remember. It's been awhile since I last saw you in a dream, and it was nice to see you, even if it was actually a nightmare.

I still think about the money that Nikki raised and how we need to do something with it pronto, but I don't know what to do. Can you help me? Send me a sign or an idea or something. I just want to do something that will make a difference and honor you the way you deserve. Plus, there are so many worthwhile options out there, how do we choose what's the most important? Help me!

Ok, well I don't really have too much to say other than we miss you. I miss you. Every day. And I need to talk to you every day. And my kids need you because they are growing like weeds and you would absolutely love playing with them. I envision them crawling all over you like a jungle gym. Ha ok enough with the rambling and enough with the tears…for tonight at least.

I love you!

Dear Muscles,

I didn't sleep very well last night, and when I tried to roll out of bed this morning it wasn't hard to figure out why. You are angry! I get it. I haven't treated you all that well over the last few months, years maybe. I've underutilized some of you while over utilizing others, but we had fun together on Saturday, didn't we? Yes, I know that I am 35, and an under-trained 15.5 mile trail run was probably not my best idea ever, but it was hella fun!

I certainly didn't win, although I'm pretty sure I didn't come in last. But here is the way it went down…

The race was held at Lake Mcmurtry in Stillwater, and the options included a 12k, 25k and 50k. There's not a chance in hell I would do the 50k, and I felt that the 12k wasn't enough of a challenge since I have been running half-marathons consistently for the past 6 months or so. So, I signed up for the 25k knowing I could finish, but it probably wouldn't be pretty. Here's the deal though…trail running is fun. Because you have to focus on every single step you take in order to avoid the roots, rocks, holes, snakes, etc that may be on the course, it's not quite as boring as road running. However, you seem to use many more muscles/ different muscles than when you are consistently running on a flat(ter) surface.

So, the night before the race, I was nervous, especially when my friend, Lisa (who talked me into it) told me we were "running on the surface of the sun." Great. We met at a downtown coffee shop so I could hop in with her for the hour drive to the lake, and lucky me, I had an upset stomach the whole there and had to make multiple bathroom trips before the race started.

The first few miles went great. Some people down-played the leap o' doom, and some people played it up, so I wasn't' really sure what to expect. Well, I'd say they down-played it, and although I didn't almost fall into the crevice, I did almost fall as soon as I landed on the other side. And we had to do that twice. Nothing was too exciting throughout the course thoguh- I missed the talk of the copperhead snake, and it's a good thing because I would have freaked out.

                                                                                               (source)
The miles passed sssllloooowwwwlllyyy and I really looked forward to every aid station. The crew that puts on these trail races (TATUR) has the best aid stations hands down. Each was stocked with every kind of snack, sweet and salty, you could imagine, plus water, gatorade, ginger ale, coke and I think I saw beer. The only problem was that because it was so hot, I was so thirsty (not a good sign), and I wanted to stay and chug drink after drink.

By mile 11, I was pretty much done. My muscles were already sore and I had some pain in my ankles. I was hot and grumpy and seriously thinking about laying down and taking a nap on the trail. Plus, I thought I might be lost when I didn't see anyone for a very long time. I just decided that as long as I could keep walking and jogging some, I would get there eventually.

And I did. All I can say is that I earned every single ounce of that medal!

Dear Friday,

Today was a fabulous day, and I would say that I made you my bitch except that I didn't. The kids needed naps, and that put a big dent in my would-have-been amazing day. So, I guess they made you their bitch. Or me…not sure.

But today was still awesome for these reasons…

1) I got to do a little shopping with my mom. And yes, even though it was at the Dollar Tree, it was still fun. I told her that she's the only person to ever spend over $65 at that store.

2) We passed an eyelash salon and decided we should go in and ask to have our eyelashes washed and dried.

3) I signed up for this race. I'm scared to death because I haven't done more than 10 miles since my last 1/2 marathon five weeks ago, but somehow, I know I can pull off 15.5ish miles tomorrow.

4) I went for a walk in our 'hood with my favorite little guy. We walked over to see the dead snake, down to the playground, up to the pond to look for turtles and finally back home again. We collected treasures along the way and came home with pebbles, acorns, two tiny rubber balls, the knob piece to an old water faucet and a long stick.


5) Papa Murphy's pineapple pizza followed by cookies straight from the oven.

And now I'm tired and I want to go to bed to prepare for my 5:30 wake up call to get my booty kicked on the trails. But I can't because the dog peed on Josh's side of the bed and now everything's in the washer.

Night! Night!

Dear Garren,

And just like that, you're two.

Ok, well maybe it wasn't just like that, but where has the time gone?


Sweet boy, you have already grown into such a fun, little dude, and I have truly enjoyed watching your personality emerge. Right now, you love trains and will play with them for hours on end. When you are finished, you will ask to watch trains on tv.

You also seem to have inherited your father's love of bicycles, and you love to ride your strider around the house. You are so good on it- you will ride it for awhile and then pick it up and carry it around, like you have seen your dad do in his cyclocross races. You tell me to clap and cheer for you and you will keep going as long as I am cheering you on.

You have such a great vocabulary, and it amazes me everyday how easily you pick up new words. I remember that before the holidays this year (before your birthday), someone said to me in disbelief "he knows snowman and pinecone." Yeah, well you also know derailed, conducter, caboose, spicy (and use them all appropriately) and many, many other words. So, when the doctor asked me at your 2-year-old check up if you are able to put together two words at a time, I almost laughed. You are capable of much more, and I am so proud and thankful.

You have a peculiar way of saying some words. For instance, conductor = condada, Lali = yaya, fruit snacks = fruit nack, shower = shou shou, sissy = sitsie. Thank you= fain fain. Oh, and your dad is often called "Josh." He doesn't particularly like it, but I have convinced him that it's karma for calling your Mimi by her first name for so long. Lali bought you a stuffed shark at the aquarium this weekend and you even named it "Josh"!

You love your sister, and you can't wait to see her every morning when you wake up. You have so much patience with her and even let her crawl all over you. I've never seen you get frustrated by that; instead, you usually just laugh at her. She loves you too, and she gets the biggest grin on her face any time you walk into the room.

You have the best imagination too. You will stand at the bottom of the stairs and yell "all aboard. it's time to go" over and over again. I asked you what you were doing and simultaneously placed my hand on top of the banister. You told me not to push down on the whistle. So, I moved my hand down a little and you told me that I was smashing Thomas' face. You also showed me where all the passengers sit and said that the train is headed to town to see Santa.

Gosh kid, you're soooo much fun and I would give anything to freeze time.

I love you so much!

Dear Colby,

It's been awhile since I've written to you.
Doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you or missing you like crazy though.
Especially with this wedding coming up. Its just not the same without you here.
And we go to these showers and events and it's like people don't know what to say to me.
I know that some people avoid me. They really avoid mom, and it's not that they're trying to be rude. People just really don't know what to say.
Oh and J.P. accidentally called Matt "Colby" the other day, and she got really embarrassed and apologized. Then she looked at mom and me like we were going to start crying. It's not like that.
But I need to call you all the time because there are things I need to tell you that only you would understand. Only you would think they're funny.

And Colby, you should see the kids. They're getting so big. And Garren talks all.the.time! And Liddie is walking. Oh and Garren talks about you and he wants to go visit you. I tell him you're in Heaven, but he doesn't get it. Hell, I really don't either.


But I know that J.S. is really missing you because they have Little A with them now, and he thinks that you would have been an amazing "uncle" for that kid. You would.

Ok, so here's what's going on around here right now…
-The wedding is in one month. I'm excited for Matt, but not excited about having to write a toast. WTF do I say? If you were here, you could help me with it. You gave an awesome toast to me. I remember.
-I'm working on our taxes right now. I think we might get a nice refund, which will be awesome. We need to make some home repairs and put some money in the kids' college funds. Most importantly though, I think we need a really nice vacation. Europe maybe?
-We went to Sesame Street Live tonight. I still can't believe I convinced Josh to go. And I can't believe that Garren sat still as long as he did.
-There may be a number 3 baby one of these days. I'm just having trouble deciding if I should put life on hold now or have kids more spread out. Closer is probably better, dontcha think???
-I need money.
-I think I'm going to run a 25k this weekend. It will be my longest distance besides that nightmare of a marathon that I made you do with me. It will also be on trails. It will probably suck, but I will be glad I did it. Maybe I should reward myself with something for doing it.
-Dad's been sick for awhile. I'm worried about him and I know mom is too, but he went to the Dr. and had labs and they showed nothing but chronic bronchitis. He also told me the other day that he doesn't think he will live too much longer. Super depressing. This family can't handle something like that right now.
-oh and it's National Sibling Day today. I didn't know that it existed but people have been posting pics of themselves with their siblings all over Facebook. I'm too lazy to look for one. It's not that I don't want to do it, but for what? To remind myself? Remind everyone else? Nah.

Dude, I miss you. Happy sibling day, little brother!
Love, T-Pot

Dear Colby,

I'm reading the most incredible book right now. It's called Jantsen's Gift, and it's the true story of how a woman survives the loss of her son by helping far less fortunate children in other countries. Even though I had no idea about the conditions these children live in in Vietnam, Cambodia, several countries in Africa and many, many other places around the world, I almost feel as if I know this woman and could/would trade places with her.

Colby, the stories she told about losing her son have been gut-wrenching for me to read. I can relate to every single thought and emotion she experienced following his death. But the hope that she is giving me is unreal. It's almost like I should write her a letter to thank her for finally giving me hope. I feel like maybe there is a light, that there is more to life.

And here's the other thing… Nikki still has that money that people donated to your memorial fund, and she said she will sign it over to me whenever I'm ready. But, I'm just not ready because I haven't a clue what to do with it. I've wanted so badly to do something incredible with it- something you would be proud of. But tonight, actually just now, I realized that if you were here, you would trust me with the money. You would know that I wouldn't do anything with it without having the best intentions at heart, and you would go along with whatever decision I made. All this is to say, that although I still don't have a clue what to do with it, one of these days I will figure it out. And no matter what decision I make, I know you would have been proud. I miss you so much every single day. I love you.

Dear Colby

I've been thinking about you a lot this week. Heck, when am I not thinking about you? I miss you. I have been so mad at Josh lately, like last night when he came home a little early so that he could do something before I had to leave at 5:30. He came home so he could unload HIS groceries for HIS little bicycle-riding party this weekend.

Hear that? I call it bicycle riding when I'm angry; it's cycling when all is right with the world.

Anyway, he acted like he was doing me some favor. My blood was boiling by the time I backed out of the driveway, and I knew that if I could, I would call you.

You wouldn't say anything. You wouldn't side with him or with me or try to give me advice in any way. You would just listen patiently until I was finished ranting and then politely change the subject.

Oh and tonight, I need to call you again. He threw away the stuff-and-clutter. And, I know I don't need to explain that any further. Just that in the almost 8 years that he's known me... well he must not know me at all.

I promise I'm not this depressing all the time. You, of all people, certainly wouldn't want that. But since I can't call...

Dear Cell Phone,

I wanted to set measurable goals for the year, so I purposely left one off the list. Had it been on there, it would have read something like... "spend (much) less time attached to you, and more specifically, spend less time on Facebook." But really, shouldn't that go without saying?

I have an almost-two-year-old who provides constant entertainment with his ever-expanding vocabulary and developing dance skills. And I have a seven-month-old who needs me. She really, really needs me and wants me to look at her. She wants me to play with her. She wants me to carry her with me no matter what I am doing. So, tell me again why I would miss a second of any of that to read about other peoples' lives, most of whom I wouldn't even pick you up to call? Beats the hell out of me.

But I can say that this year I am going to be present- not just near my kids, but really in the moment. I know that time passes way too quickly and I will never have these moments again, so I don't want to miss a single one. And it all starts by just laying you down. Thankfully today I did just that. And I got to snuggle with G in his new tent. And I got to laugh with him as he tried really hard to take yet another pee in the shower. He's a little boy, what can I say? And I caught his "boomer sooner" and "go OU" cheers on video. I didn't even know he knew those words. And I got to witness these two loving each other, and that's the best thing I saw all day- much better than anything I saw on Facebook. So tomorrow I vow to again put you down, be present and enjoy every moment of their young lives. There's no doubt that it will be worth it.

I'll just keep you close enough to document some of my favorite parts.

Dear 2014,

I feel such a sense of pressure to say the right thing for the first post on this blog, but I'm not going to dwell on that. I think I'll just lay it all out there.

Why am I blogging again after years away? The answer is two-fold. Well, three maybe. My kids are growing so quickly and I want to be able to document the day-to-day FOR MYSELF (and them if they're interested). Yes, of course it would be nice to have some readers, but that's just a bonus. But more importantly, I need a place where I can bitch, gripe and moan because LIFE ISN'T FAIR! Sometimes it's beautiful and wonderful and perfect, but other times, it just plain sucks. And 2013 was one of those times. And I can say that because even though my beautiful and wonderful and perfect baby girl came into this world, my beautiful and wonderful and perfect brother (and best friend) left this world. So, I'd like to say to the most awful year of my life, "later, bitch!"

And I can almost guarantee that 2014 will be better. Much, much better.

So here are a few things (I would prefer to call them something other than resolutions) that I think will make 2014 a happier, healthier one for my family and me:

- I lost over 30 lbs. over the last 5 months through the help of Weight Watchers and exercise. I want to maintain my current weight (under 140).
- Blog at least once per week.
- Exercise at least 3 times per week, even if it's just a 30 minute walk in my neighborhood.
- Run at least 5 half marathons.
- Practice patience with my family (and dogs) daily.
- Check in at weight watchers at least 2 times per month and maintain lifetime status.
- Read at least one book per month.
- Finish a sub-30 minute 5k that benefits an organization I believe in.
- Proudly wear my St. Jude heroes singlet for the RnR New Orleans 1/2 marathon.
- Practice not raising my voice toward my husband ESPECIALLY in front of the kids.
- Continue working on my current project in my brother's memory/honor. More on that later.
- Be a better mom to all of my kiddos, even my furry ones.
- Go on a date with my husband at least once a month, and not to some sort of social obligation either...a real date, where we can look at each other and talk to each other and hopefully remember why we started dating in the first place.
- And this one might be a stretch, but maybe we can somehow make it work...take a vacation!!! Oh how I would love a vacation- one that doesn't involve the stress of screaming kids in a hotel room, a boring road trip to some town within driving distance just because it's significantly cheaper, or a race- running or cycling.

So there it is- my 14 step plan to make 2014 my year. Wish me luck!

Dear Anyone Interested in "Juicing,"

I mentioned before that one of my New Years goals was maintaining my weight and my Weight Watcher's "Lifetime" status. Well, here's the deal. My weight fluctuates, a lot, and obviously having babies has something to do with that. I love my children, but I hated being pregnant, with a capital H-A-T-E. I was sick and tired and miserable, and I tricked myself into thinking that in order to grow a human while feeling less than human myself, I needed to eat everything thing in sight. Banana splits- yum! An entire box of girl scout cookies- awesome! Potato chips covered in nutella- why not? Soooo, guess who gained 60 lbs??? And I couldn't wait to get it off and planned on starting weight watchers and running as soon as I got clearance from my doctor.

I started Weight Watchers on July 15th and by December 9th, I had lost all of the weight gained during pregnancy PLUS 12 lbs! And now that I'm at a weight that I feel comfortable in, I want to keep it that way.

But here's the other deal. My husband is not comfortable in his body. He says that he tries everything and can't lose any weight, but I know for a fact that he has not tried the "Don't drink any dark, heavy beer for awhile" diet. Really, he doesn't have any weight to lose, but he's a competitive cyclist and thinks that to perform his best, he needs to look like a 12-year-old. Ugh.

So, the other night, I came downstairs to find him watching a documentary on juicing. I didn't see it, but apparently it was so fabulous it made him think that he should only drink juice for every meal for the rest of his life. He even sent me to the mall and told me to buy a $330 juicer. I didn't. I bought the cheap one. But groceries for this kind of project are so expensive! So, the husband is now juicing (in the good-for-you, legal way), and being the awesome, supportive wife that I am, I said I would do it with him. So, we made enough juices for 2 days for both of us ($40 worth of fruits and veggies), and stuck them in the fridge to drink today and tomorrow.

And....this stuff is just plain wrong. First off, we didn't use recipes, and I'm here to tell you that lemon and celery and apples and kale don't taste that great together. But, I vowed to give it a few days, and since I'm a woman of my word, I'm going to do it. I'll let you know how it goes!

UPDATE...a week and a half in, he's still drinking two juices per day followed by a "decent" dinner. I, on the other hand, gave up after three meals of juice alone. just.plain.miserable!

Dear Colby,

I can't believe it's been six months today since you were taken away from us and replaced with the most unimaginable sadness and grief. You were gone so quickly; I didn't even get to say goodbye. But even if I had the opportunity, how could I?

I'm so thankful that I didn't have to watch you suffer in any way. I'm so thankful that I don't have to watch any children suffer and grow up without their dad. There was a time, however, when I (very selfishly) hoped that Aubra would turn up pregnant. She didn't. I guess I was just hoping for something of yours that I could hold onto- your legacy.

But, your legacy lives on in a million different ways. You taught us all so much about what it truly means to be a kind and gentle soul. Trust me, I'm not the only one who has grown from my loss. Sounds weird, doesn't it? To grow? I would think it would be the other way around. But in these six months, I have learned what it was that made you, you, and that has made me a better person.

I was so excited to see your foster care journey begin. I knew it would be hard for you guys, and I was a little scared that it would be hard for all of us as well. Selfish again, I know. But, one thing that I knew for sure was that those children would be better for knowing you and having you as a "father" even if only for a little while. This is another reason that your legacy will live on...I will make sure that because of you, these children will know that someone cared for them. I will call it Colby's Kids, because it wouldn't be more than an idea without you.

Man, I miss you so much! Every single day, there are so many times that I think "I need to call him and tell him this story" or "I need to ask Colby about that." And I can't. And it's a really shitty reality check to have to endure all.the.time. But it doesn't change the fact that you were the best brother imaginable. You truly were a best friend. And I wouldn't trade the 33 years I got with you for anything.

Thank you for being you.
And for making me a better me.

I love you!